Choose Civility: How to respond when someone changes their beliefs…or political position.
If someone in your life is rethinking a political position, a leader they supported, or a belief they once defended, you might feel a strange mix of emotions.
Relief. Anger. Vindication. Grief. Suspicion. Hope.
And right in the middle of all that is a moment of choice:
Will you make it safer for them to keep telling the truth…or will you teach them never to do it again?
Because here is the reality most of us forget:
Changing your mind in public is socially expensive. It is not just an intellectual shift. It is a belonging risk.
So, if someone is coming toward you with vulnerability, "I'm not sure anymore," "I'm rethinking this," "I might have been wrong", your response can either become a bridge… or a barricade.
This piece is for the bridge builders.
First, understand what is happening in their brain. When someone changes their mind, their internal "smoke alarm" can be blaring. They are not only evaluating facts. They are evaluating safety.
Their nervous system may be asking:
"Will they reject me?"
"Will they humiliate me?"
"Will they bring up the old posts, the old arguments, the old certainty?"
"Will they make me pay for learning?"
That is why people often soften their language:
"I don't know…"
"Maybe…"
"I'm just asking questions…"
Sometimes that is not manipulation. Sometimes that is fear. And shame is often right behind it.
Shame does not say, "You were wrong." It says, "You are bad."
So, your job, if you want to keep the conversation human, is to help them separate behavior/belief from identity.
The goal is not agreement. The goal is safety plus integrity. You do not have to endorse their new viewpoint to respond well.
You can hold two truths at once:
1. "I have strong opinions about this.”
2. “And I want to reward growth, not punish it.”
If we want more people to think critically, we have to stop treating changing your mind like a public humiliation ritual.
What not to do (even if it feels deserved)
Let’s name the proverbial “stones” we carry in our pockets, ready to hurl at others. These are the reactions that feel satisfying in the moment, and shut the door long-term:
“I told you so.”
“Finally. Took you long enough.”
“How could you ever have believed that?”
Receipts + replay: “Remember when you said…”
Moral dunking: “So you admit you were the problem.”
Purity tests: “If you really changed, you would…”
I get it. Those responses can feel like justice. But they usually activate shame and threat, and when that happens, people either retreat into silence or run back to the safety of the tribe that will take them “as-is.”
If you want them to keep moving toward integrity, do not make integrity feel like punishment.
What to do instead: 5 civil responses to encourage, not shame
1) Start with courage recognition (not applause, just respect). Try:
· “That took guts to say out loud.”
· “I appreciate you telling me.”
· “It’s not easy to revisit something publicly.”
This is not agreeing. This acknowledges the human cost of growth.
2) Use curiosity that lowers defensiveness. Try:
“What shifted for you?”
“Was there a moment that made you pause?”
“What are you wrestling with most right now?”
Curiosity is a nervous-system cue: You are safe here.
3) Validate the emotion without validating every conclusion. Try:
“I can hear how conflicted this feels.”
“It makes sense you’d feel embarrassed or defensive.”
“I imagine it’s hard to sort through all this.”
Notice: you are not saying “you’re right.” You are saying “you’re human.”
4) Speak your truth without shaming theirs. You can say:
“I’m glad you’re reconsidering. And I also want to be honest, this affected me.”
“I have strong feelings here. I can share them without attacking you.”
“I might disagree with parts of your take, but I want this to stay respectful.”
This is how you hold integrity and connection.
5) Offer a next step that protects their dignity. Try:
“If you want, we can look at a few sources together.”
“We can go slow. You don’t have to have a perfect statement today.”
“Do you want me just to listen, or do you want feedback?”
People often need permission to evolve without having to perform a flawless apology.
A simple script you can keep in your pocket
When you are not sure what to say, this covers a lot of ground:
“Thank you for telling me. I can imagine that wasn’t easy. What started shifting for you? And before we go deeper, do you want me to listen, or help you think it through?”
That is compassion and civility in action.
Sometimes the person “changing their mind” supported something that had real consequences for you, your family, or people you love. In that case, compassion does not mean you become their therapist.
You can be both kind and maintain boundaries.
“I’m willing to talk, but I need this to stay respectful.”
“I’m open to hearing you, but I’m not up for debating my humanity.”
“I appreciate the shift. I also need time.”
Boundaries are not punishment; they are clarity.
If you feel tempted to say, “I told you so.” Here is a human-friendly reframe:
That urge is often your own smoke alarm, protecting you from the vulnerability of trusting them again.
So, before you dunk, try this private sentence:
“I want to be right. But I want growth in the world more.”
Then choose your response accordingly.
The Bigger Picture
A healthy, civil culture is one where:
People can revise beliefs without being annihilated
Learning is rewarded
Dissent is not treated as betrayal
Humility is not punished
If we want more integrity in public life, we must stop turning “I changed my mind” into an opportunity to stone and shame others.
(John 8:7): "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."
So, when someone in your life takes that risk, and you respond with dignity and curiosity, you are not just being nice. You are modeling the kind of society most of us say we want.